Children of the Corn

There’s a commercial for bottled water on TV right now that shows kids frolicking in a swimming pool, and a voiceover goes something like: “your children don’t swim in high fructose corn syrup.”

The conclusion you’re supposed to draw, I guess, is that your kids shouldn’t eat foods with high fructose corn syrup, and should instead drink this particular brand of bottled water.

Here are some other things your children do not swim in:

  • Vegetables
  • Toothpaste
  • Looking both ways when crossing the road
  • Politeness

Yet, in my humble opinion, these should be included in every child’s life.

It’s such a dumb argument that I feel stupider just writing about it. But I’m sure there are millions of people out there who will see the ad and say, “oh golly, that there ad is right huh? My kids don’t swim in corn syrup! And I heard on them there news program that corn syrup is doggone toxic! Honey, can you go down to the store and get some bottl- DAMMIT BRANDON GET OFF THE FUCKING SHED!

Of course, the truth is that high fructose corn syrup is just like any other sugar and is only being used as a villainous contrast to sell a product you get for free out of taps in every modern home. Sorta the opposite of calling something “green.”

In conclusion, when I have kids, I will dunk them in high fructose corn syrup.


3 thoughts on “Children of the Corn

  1. I was searching for some info I had read in a health letter from the University of California and came across your post stating: “Of course, the truth is that high fructose corn syrup is just like any other sugar . . . ”

    The truth is maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. From the Wellness Letter: “Words to the wise: If you consume lots of HFCS-sweetened soft drinks and foods, or lots of any type of added sugar, cut down. Even though the jury is still out as to whether HFCS is significantly worse than sucrose, if you cut down on foods and drinks that contain it, you’ll almost inevitably improve your diet.

    Why do they say this? ” . . . unlike glucose, fructose is mostly broken down in the liver, where it can affect the production of various lipids (fats and related substances). Human as well as animal studies suggest that high levels of fructose can contribute to cardiovascular disease by boosting triglycerides (fats in the blood), lowering HDL (“good”) cholesterol, and increasing levels of smaller, more harmful LDL (“bad”) cholesterol particles.”

    With high fructose intake linked to kidney and liver disease, high blood pressure, systemic inflammation, and more I wouldn’t be pushing HFCS, or any other sugar in large amounts, at my children.

    The voting still out on HFCS. It is a little early to give them the all clear signal.


    p.s. The above is not to be construed as to mean I don’t agree with you about the commercial. Like far too many ads, it was inane. It was good that your post focused attention on that fact.

  2. Hi Rockinon,

    Thanks for the comment. I’m not an expert on this by any means, but it’s my understanding that both table sugar and HFCS have fructose in them (and about the same amount). It’s just bound with the glucose differently.

    So yeah, maybe we should cut down on fructose, but cutting down on HFCS specifically won’t accomplish that. Rather, we should cut down on ALL sugars. And more generally, all high-calorie foods.

    I think the major threat is obesity. That’s more about how much we eat (calories in – calories out) than what we eat.

    I wouldn’t give a 100% all-clear signal either, but unless I see good research showing dangers specific to HFCS, I’m not gonna worry about it.

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